Blank Pages

It is currently 1:15am. I’m staring at my laptop, wondering how I used to so freely write down my emotions. Conjure up a story. Yet now words fail me. I can barely speak a sentence without stuttering or feeling nervous. I can no longer think of interesting things to write. I have lost all motivation.

I feel worthless.

Unable to do the things I used to love, to be the person I wish to be. To do things and not be afraid.

My fears are irrational. I know that.

So I will try to write a stream of consciousness.  It’s what used to work, so here’s my waffle of the night.

If this reaches just one person I’ll be surprised.

No one cares about us little people, struggling to get by, not knowing what to do with our lives. I thought I’d be better than this. But here I am. 24 years old still living at home in a shitty job and very single.

But look the subject has changed from my original intention.

Motivation. The loss of it. why?

I could go ahead and blame it on the comeback of depression. It likes to sneak up on me like an unwanted relative that you’re forced to visit. I want to tell it to piss off, leave me alone. But I can’t do that to family. Because that’s what depression is, it’s part of my life, I can’t just wish it away.

I wish it would go away.

But no, still here, hi depression. There’s a lot of people that simply don’t understand the meaning of the word, brush it under the carpet pretend it’s okay. I’m not sad, I’m numb. I’m not crying, I just don’t feel. I sleep too much, then I sleep too little. I eat everything then nothing at all. You might think I’m just in a bad mood but the truth I’m trying to fight it off. I want to be happy I just don’t know how.

Depression is such a dark word to me. Just the mention of it reminds me that I am not “normal” or “healthy”. I think we need a new word. A name.

I will now call depression, Derrek.

Hi Derrek how you doing?

Oh you know same old, just here to make you feel worthless again. You still not doing anything with your life?

No, finding a job I like is difficult.

Nobody wants you because you’re shit, that’s why.

I am?

Yes, fat and ugly too, that’s why you’re still single.

Maybe I’ve chosen to be single.

No you haven’t. guys don’t want you. or when they do you push them away. Probably for the best though.

But I do try…

Nope. You’re going to be alone forever.

And that’s how that conversation would go.

So yes I would blame Derrek for my lack of motivation, not just to write, but to do anything. Leave the house, text a friend, go to work, be productive, walk the dog. Derrek constantly makes me tired, he drains me of life, of ambition. I am numb to everything around me. I feel nothing. I am nothing.

That’s a lie, I feel anger a lot. Mainly at work and towards other humans in general.

But mostly I am numb. I want to do things that make me feel alive. Because right now I am not living. I am hiding away, Derrek as my only friend.

I don’t like my friends to see me when I’m in a down episode. I keep Derrek to myself. I’ll just hide away for a while, lose contact with people. Eventually I’ll come back to the world when I’m ready. I don’t like to bother people too much. There’s nothing anyone can say that will get me out of this down stage. I got myself here, I have to get out. alone.

Its 1:37am now.

I’m not tired. Probably because I had a 2 hour nap at 7pm. I felt exhausted then.

Does everyone secretly hate me? Just too polite to say it to me.

I told you this was waffle.

Do people regret being in my company?

What do they say about me behind my back?

Am I likeable, do I come across as a bitch?

I just don’t know. Derrek tells me all the negatives about myself. I can take your criticism; I’ve told myself worse things.

There’s a lot of I’s in this. Sorry to my lecturers for the repetition and clichés. Not that they’re reading this.

I’ll stop here for now, Derrek and I are having a talk.

2015-09-02-1441224840-1215838-anxiety_by_carorod4jyqyp

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