Alive and not living

“Hey how are you?” (the dreaded words whenever someone sees you/messages you/calls you/bumps into you)

“I’m good thanks, how are you?” (I’m actually really not ok I just don’t want to try to explain what I’m feeling when I have no reason for it)

“Good, how’s work?”

“Fine. You?” (its shit I hate it, it makes me feel stupid and worthless, like I’m no better than this job is worth.)

I hate small talk. It hurts my head, it’s all a lie. I always lie like this. It’s easier than telling the truth. Because why do you really care how I am? Shall I tell you?

There’s a war inside my head. Its keeping me up at night. I can’t sleep but I feel so tired. I am incapable of feeling emotion, so drained so numb to the world.

Walking  corpse. I wake, eat, work, walk, sleep. Repeat.

This is not a life worth living.

Those are my thoughts.

I would be better off dead but I’m not going to kill myself.

Welcome to passive suicidal thoughts.

It would be lovely to die peacefully, quickly, away from everyone.  But I can’t hurt the people I would leave behind.

So instead, I hope for a car accident. Or a terminal disease.

I won’t crash my car on purpose, but I wouldn’t mind going that way.

I won’t get sick on purpose, but if you could medically induce me into a coma I’d be fine with that.

This is the way my brain works. I want to die. But I’m too much of a considerate coward to do it myself.

Just being truthful. Honest.

Hoping and not wanting people to read this. But please read this.

Please understand.

Please help me feel wanted, that life is worth living.

Because for a very long time now I have not been living.maxresdefault

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