Distance

I want to talk about distancing myself from the world.  It’s something that I now realise I’ve always done. Not always intentionally. But yes, I do cut myself off a lot.

Why?

Sometimes, when I’m aware of it, I just want to be alone. I need time to be with me. Recharge myself. Take a few days to just relax in familiar surroundings. On these days I’ll take a long hot bubble bath, put on a face mask, do my nails. Self-care. Things to make me feel good. Other times I’ll take the dog for a very long walk, embrace the tranquillity of being outside, in the woods, along the cliff top, a beach. Those are good alone days. The type of days where distancing myself is benefitting me. I’ll come out of it happier.

But then there are bad times where I distance myself. I won’t message anyone, won’t answer calls, won’t leave my room, wake at noon, have a nap at 3pm, stay up till 3am, don’t leave the house, wont shower for days.

These are the numb days. I won’t feel a thing, there is no emotion. Only silence. Not even the dog can bring me a glimpse of motivation. You know it’s bad when the dog doesn’t help.

I won’t message you because I am down. I am numb. I have nothing of value to say. I do not want to upset you with my darken thoughts. I don’t think that you care. Why don’t you message me? Because it works both ways. Now you won’t message me because I never message you and now it looks like I’m the one who doesn’t like you. It’s not like that, I promise. Messaging anyone is difficult when I’m locked away.

My room is my safe place, all my things are here. I’m comfortable. I like everything here. Nothing will hurt me here. This is my bubble. No one comes into my bubble.

I’ll take random naps just to pass the time because I have nothing better to do.

I like to sleep a lot because it feels like I’m dead, just without the commitment. That’s a quote from something I read a while ago, can’t remember where it’s from. But that’s exactly the way I feel about it.

Mostly I won’t leave the house because there’s no reason to do so. Why go somewhere? What is the point in using up my energy? There might be people around, what if I have to talk to someone?

Why shower when I can mellow in bed all day? I’ve got nowhere to go so I don’t need to be clean. No one will see me like this. No wants to see me in general.

That’s my thought process.

Irrational, all of it, I know that.

But I believe what I think.

I am not worthy of anyone’s friendship. I shouldn’t go anywhere. No one wants to see me. No one wants to talk to me. You all hate me. I am better alone.

These are just my ramblings. I never expect anyone to read it even though I’ll post this on Facebook. Looks like I’m seeking attention. In a way I am. Secretly I want you to read this. I want to you to understand that I do not do these things on p[purpose. I cannot help it. Could you help me?diistancee

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