I fear failure. But I have already failed.
I lost myself to someone else and in losing them I lost me again.
I’ve been walking the earth aimlessly, seeking purpose, goals. A reason to egisit.
I cannot find a reason.
There is this invisible illness that controls me, but I’m not afraid to admit it anymore. I let it take over. Embraced it, accepted it. because in those times when I am afraid and nervous, they times that I feel.
Anxiety makes me feel, depression takes it all away, leave me with nothing.
Nothing, is not something I can bear for long.
Be brave, do things that scare me.
I cant. im scared of the consequences.
But I have before, been brave. I could do it again.
My insecurities stop me. Their iron chains wrap round my ankles, anchor me to the ground. I cannot shake them off.
Not good enough.
Just get up and do it stop making excuses, don’t be afraid.
I am terrified.
Terrified to feel more.
To not be alone. When I’m alone no one can hurt me, touch me, scar me.
To be intimate.
To be passionate.
To feel the constant need to be in someone else’s presence, to touch them. Depend upon each other, can’t live without one another. Miss them when apart.
To have empty promises of forever and always, a future that never will be. To be so passionately in love, to not be able to stay away, just for them to tire of me. Not want to be near me. To listen to lies for years for it all to come crashing in on me.
That is why I’m afraid.
I fear everything good will end. Life ends, lovers lose their passion, wives lose their husbands.
Can I ever truly give myself up to anyone?
Do I trust again?