The Latest Knock Down

Over the last week or so I have admittedly been feeling very down. As in, my life is over I am doomed to be failure, never get what I want type of down. For good reasons as well.

For a few weeks I have been adamant that I was going to quit my job for something better.

In December I had an interview, which I was certain I had failed at, but to my surpise they said they really me like, but for a different position. They invited me back for an informal interview in January.

Now to me, and to everyone I’d spoken to about this, it seemed as though they were almost offering me this other position. I felt confident going in (which never happens) and felt more confident going out (again never happens).

‘we’ll let you know by the of today what’s happening’

The day went so slow. My phone was on loud, I was ready to answer it the second it would ring (again never happens, I never answer my phone). I so badly wanted to hear the good news so that the next day I could walk into the hell that is work and hand in my notice, effective immediately.

I didn’t get the call that day. I sat in bed all evening worried. Scared that I’d somehow missed a call or email. Constantly checking my phone. Replaying the interview over and over in my head. But still there was nothing.

I waited again the next day. They said they’d call yesterday. But nothing had happening. I put my phone on silence and I drove to work.

Sometimes I get a horrible feeling in my gut. That something bad is happening right then and there. And there was nothing I could do about it. I parked up at work and checked my phone. There it was, the voicemail.

Eagerly I listened to it. but the moment I heard the word ‘unfortunately’ my heart sank.

‘you were confident and articulated yourself well. You answered our questions very well and responded well to the scernaio we gave you.’

But they went with someone else.

I was good, but someone else was better.

There is always someone better.

Why put me through all of that. Why get my hopes up, ask me for a second meeting, tell me you liked me. Just to knock me down.

Honestly, I went into work and cried in the locker room. I clocked onto my shift, saw screen ten was ready to be cleaned and went straight in there to do it, and cry, again.

I thought that was my chance, a way out, finally a new beginning. A job related to my degree at last!

But no.

Sorry Natalie but you can’t have good things right now.

The world still wants you to suffer.

Gee thanks a lot.

I have another interview tomorrow. It’s not even for something I really want. I just don’t want to be where I am anymore.

I don’t know how much this job is offering wage wise. But if its shit and they offer it to me I’ll have to decline. I can’t travel 45 minutes for a minimum wage job. It’s not worth the fuel.

I don’t feel anxious about it because I don’t care about it. They can judge me all they want and I will be okay.

A rejection from them is nothing compared to the last one.

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