If I didn’t have anxiety battling against depression, I don’t think I would be alive today.
The voice of depression says I’m not enough, not worthy, numb go die.
Anxiety sets me into a panic, a period of guilt, worrying over the people who might care if I took my life.
When I’m down with depression, anxiety shakes me about, pushes my nerves to the limit.
That’s why I’m alive.
If there were only depression in my head there would be nothing telling me to stop. I wouldn’t care, I wouldn’t feel remorse.
On the bad bed days where I feel worthless, without purpose, my irrational fears force me up. The itching constant feeling of doing something wrong make me move. Get up get out.
That is the only positive outlook on having both of these voices in my head. The rest of the time is like living in a permanent nightmare.
I hide it well, most of the time.
Sometimes the smallest thing might trigger me off, ‘you did something wrong’, is generally what will do it. It’s my fault; I could’ve done things differently. My wrong doings have affected someone else. Now punish myself for this. Go down the rabbit hole of self-loathing, I’m not good enough, what’s the point in trying when I’ll never succeed.
Actually thinking on that note, things like that would normally set me into tears. But the last time I really cried was in early January when I didn’t get a job I really wanted.
The numb feeling wins again then I guess. It usually does. Sometimes I think I prefer it that way. So I don’t get so upset at the little comments. I’m stronger this way.
Strong isn’t the best word to use. Strong people feel all emotions and fight through it all. I choose to feel as little as possible. I’ve got so good at pretending that I believe I’m uncap able of feeling many emotions.
But then anxiety pipes up all like ‘hey! Time to freak out about everything again!’
I’m feeling shitty, like the world isn’t enough and there’s no point in going on.
‘But there’s tons of stuff to worrying about! Remember that thing you did last year? It matters, everything matters!’
Fuck you anxiety.
But thanks, for pulling me back up on my worst days.