Not a Suicide Note

These are the thoughts of someone close to the edges one summers night.

I thought that this would turn into a suicide note. But it’s not and it won’t be. There’s just no one I want to directly tell. Better off alone. I can’t get hurt, or hurt anyone else if I am alone. Only strangers can get me here. But there are houses behind me, a beach and sea in front of me. Its public enough for me not to be afraid. Quiet enough to feel alone.

This is where I want to stay. Staring at the sea, for a moment things seem peaceful. I can forgot everything here. Quiet places are where I want to be, away from everything, another world. This is how I want to be. I’d be happier, no more anger.

But I can’t stay here forever.

I want to know how to change my mood. How can I flip a switch and go back to being happy. How do I do that when everything scares me? I get nervous just meeting up with friends. How do I calm myself and let go of the fear? All I see is how different I am to everyone else. I’m too independent but too scared to drift too far alone.

I want to run away. I don’t know where I’d go. I only want to get away for a while. I’d come back eventually. Just need to disappear for a bit. Don’t want to tell anyone but don’t want them to worry. Why would they worry? Who would care?

If it wasn’t so cold the sea would look inviting. Id disappear under its waves.

13095_Kingsdown-beach

I used to write every day. Now I struggle to remember the last time I wrote anything. I never write anymore. I lost my passion, my hobby.

I’m just a wonderer, looking for something more. I want it all, I want to live. Give me a life worth living or let me pass.

Put me in a coma so I don’t have to deal with it. So I forget how dull my life is. Too many tragic moments mixed with brief moments of joy.im tired of my routine.

Escaping is the only way out sometimes. Can’t breathe. Suffocated everywhere I go. The smallest things annoy me.

I am still looking at the sea and all I can think of is how I could jump into it and not come back up again.

Getting rid of my pain won’t work. That pain will only pass on to others. To those who may be hurt by my loss. I cannot be selfish like that. I’d never do it, but I always think about it.

Not happy, not sad. I feel barely anything. I’ll quit before I fail, I’ll fail before I get rejected. Rejections is the worst, I refuse to let myself feel that again.

These were the thoughts of someone close to the edge one summers night.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. I’m sorry to hear you and I are in a similar mental state. It’s a dangerous kind of disassociation where we feel zero control, and it seems like no positive changes are on the horizon. I wish I knew what to say, what makes it easier for me may not for you, but I’ve started to look at my sadness not as a state of being but as a compass.

    It shows me what I don’t want (loneliness, joblessness e.t.c). In my usual depressive state, I used to embrace the sadness and sit thinking on everything that makes me sad. Every time I feel sad now, I’ve tried acknowledging it as ‘yes, this isn’t what I want, and now I’m going to think/imagine/daydream about what I do want.’ It’s easy to dismiss this part, as I myself don’t have a clue what dream job or dream location I want to live in, I just think about things that would make me happy, regardless of how unrealistic. Literally if I want to waste some time thinking about getting banged by Deacon from Fallout 4 and it makes me happy, then sure. A lottery win? Fucking A. The point is, its no more empty as the negative thoughts were, they just don’t damage my mood.

    I found it helps over time, in that I am no longer wasting time on negative thoughts that cement bad moods in place. Sure, imagining random shit that may never happen isn’t any more useful in finding me a life goal, but neither’s hating on myself.
    I’m not trying to say this will cure depression, but it does do two very important things
    1 – encourages forward thinking and embraces a positive feeling that is like flexing a muscle, the more you do it, the easier it becomes.
    2 – Breaks that absolute bullshit hold negative thoughts have that can end up being so debilitating you are immobilised and do nothing for days on end and then feel bad because you did nothing. (breaks the cycle of shit)

    I just figured, if I’m going to ‘waste time’ on thought, it might as well be on what I want or enjoy. And I started noticing changes. Not all of my dreams were unattainable. Like you, I wanted to write again as regularly and as well as I did in Uni, I kept imagining myself finding the time, remembering how good it felt to have an inspiring idea and actually being able to put it on paper.

    It didn’t happen right away. It took a few ‘sessions’ of this line of thinking before I even bought a journal, made a few paper and pen entries which felt foreign I hadn’t done it in so long. And I started revisiting games and films I loved for their writing and stories. Then came the desire to write … fanfiction. Of course I immediately shat on that idea (cause ffs it’s not original scripts) but that is honestly our down-fall. We’re all or nothing, we want to be it all and it means we’re so harsh to ourselves when we take on what is manageable.

    Like 2 days ago, I posted online my first written piece since we finished UnI 2015. 3000 words happened, without a threat or form of reward being offered, and weirdly I want to write more. And that is what you are doing!
    This blog even counts as a form of therapy. Accountability, even. You’re venting, you’re in the first stage of acknowledging what makes you unhappy and why, and sometimes venting is all that we can do to hear the echoes of what we still are under all the mental anguish.

    You’ve heard yourself. We are still under here, and if ever you need to verbalise, I am 100% down to hear you out. ❤

    1. Firstly thank you so so much for reading this, I never expect anyone to but it means a lot.
      I totally see what you mean with your compass thinking. My counsellor told me to do a similar thing, turn the negatives into positives. Most of the time I am good at this but every now and then I slip back into the dark thoughts and I struggle to get up again.
      I can’t seem to write fiction, but doing this blog helps a lot. It’s better than not writing at all I guess.
      I’m super proud of you for finding that piece of motivation to write again. Never stop, I always loved reading your stuff in class. You are a first class writer remember 😉 💚

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