These are the thoughts of someone close to the edges one summers night.
I thought that this would turn into a suicide note. But it’s not and it won’t be. There’s just no one I want to directly tell. Better off alone. I can’t get hurt, or hurt anyone else if I am alone. Only strangers can get me here. But there are houses behind me, a beach and sea in front of me. Its public enough for me not to be afraid. Quiet enough to feel alone.
This is where I want to stay. Staring at the sea, for a moment things seem peaceful. I can forgot everything here. Quiet places are where I want to be, away from everything, another world. This is how I want to be. I’d be happier, no more anger.
But I can’t stay here forever.
I want to know how to change my mood. How can I flip a switch and go back to being happy. How do I do that when everything scares me? I get nervous just meeting up with friends. How do I calm myself and let go of the fear? All I see is how different I am to everyone else. I’m too independent but too scared to drift too far alone.
I want to run away. I don’t know where I’d go. I only want to get away for a while. I’d come back eventually. Just need to disappear for a bit. Don’t want to tell anyone but don’t want them to worry. Why would they worry? Who would care?
If it wasn’t so cold the sea would look inviting. Id disappear under its waves.
I used to write every day. Now I struggle to remember the last time I wrote anything. I never write anymore. I lost my passion, my hobby.
I’m just a wonderer, looking for something more. I want it all, I want to live. Give me a life worth living or let me pass.
Put me in a coma so I don’t have to deal with it. So I forget how dull my life is. Too many tragic moments mixed with brief moments of joy.im tired of my routine.
Escaping is the only way out sometimes. Can’t breathe. Suffocated everywhere I go. The smallest things annoy me.
I am still looking at the sea and all I can think of is how I could jump into it and not come back up again.
Getting rid of my pain won’t work. That pain will only pass on to others. To those who may be hurt by my loss. I cannot be selfish like that. I’d never do it, but I always think about it.
Not happy, not sad. I feel barely anything. I’ll quit before I fail, I’ll fail before I get rejected. Rejections is the worst, I refuse to let myself feel that again.
These were the thoughts of someone close to the edge one summers night.