I have lived with anxiety and depression my entire life. For as long as I can remember I have been this way.
I am sad or numb for days, weeks, months at a time. I have no reason to be upset. No one has died, no one is sick; I have friends and family that care. But when that darkness grips me I cannot release it.
No motivations for anything, can’t read, can’t write, can’t watch anything. It’s over sleeping and never wanting to wake up because sleeping is like being dead but without the commitment.
I’ll become quiet among friends. I’ll make excuses not to see them, won’t contact the outside word. Remain in a persona bubble.
If I am alone, no one can hurt me. There will be no bad news, no arguments, no drama.
That feeling comes in phases. I’ll be content for ages, happy almost, but it always returns.
The anxious panicking is present almost every day.
The most common way to describe it is this: that feeling when you miss a step walking down the stairs, for a moment you think you’re going to fall and break a leg. Now remember that that feeling, intensify it and make it a constant feeling. That my friend is what anxiety feels like.
It’s over planning so you don’t do something wrong. It’s holding on to your rubbish in class so you don’t have to walk over to the bin in front of everyone in case you trip. It’s not inviting friends round because you don’t think they like your house or you. It’s never messaging first because you feel like you’re bothering them. Never answering the phone in case its bad news. Avoiding one on one situations and busy places. The constant worry that something bad will happen if you leave the house. The inability to do things last minute because your busy doing nothing. Nothing is safe. Nothing will go wrong; it won’t be my fault if it’s nothing.
So why am I diagnosed with this? Surely if this is how I’ve always been than this is just the way I am. It’s part of my personality. This is who I am.
It is not ‘normal’ to be afraid to answer the phone. It is not ‘normal’ to feel uncomfortable in the company of others who are not like minded as myself. It is not ‘normal’ to feel that the people laughing across the street are in fact laughing at me.
Because answering the phone doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad news, I’m not going to get hurt by talking on it. There is no need to feel as if I am being judged by others or that I do not fit in. I do not need to fit in everywhere; I do not need another’s approval. The people laughing are doing so because they said something funny, not because they were looking at me.
The thing is I fully know that my anxious and insecure ways are totally irrational. My fears should not control me. But they do.
I have no reason, no logic, no traumatic childhood experience to trigger these fears.
It’s all chemical reactions, an imbalance in hormones combined with a negative outlook on life.
Change the way you think. Stop being in denial. This is not normal. This is not a healthy way of life.