To most people the word depression conjures up just one single word, sadness. They believe that there is always a reason for this sadness. That there must be a reason. How could you feel sad when there’s nothing in particular to upset you?
But it isn’t just sadness, and there is rarely a solid reason for it.
Truthfully I have found that the majority of my depression consists of a serious lack of motivation to do anything and a paralysing numb feeling. I am so wound up in my own little bubble that the outside world no longer means anything to me. I couldn’t care less, about anything or anyone. I become selfish, wanting only to do things that will benefit myself. Only talking when I deem it worthwhile. I isolate myself so I don’t have to deal with anyone else problems. Because you see I simply cannot deal with my own.
Most of the time I feel nothing. Not sadness, not hurt or pain. Just nothing. I’ll fake smiles and laughter, I’ll put on a show, pretend to be happy. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.
On my worst days it is almost impossible to do anything at all. I am hopeless, lost in myself. I sit and mooch around all day then I feel even worse because I’ve done nothing. But I can’t do anything because what’s the point? I won’t achieve anything I won’t get anything out of it. But I need to do something to distract me from these thoughts. My inner conflict is a constant battle between I can’t do anything and I need to do something. Most of the time cant wins.
Right now, in the present day, I do not have a solid justifiable reason to be depressed. It’s worse now because I don’t understand why it’s with me. For so long I thought that it was just the way I am. This is my personality. But going through these up and down phases isn’t the way personality works. Weeks of numbness isn’t part of me, it only follows me.
With this depression comes an intense self-loathing. I despise myself. I am disgusting, a horrible insecure mess of a person. No wonder I am so alone, I deserve to be alone. No matter how many compliments I might get, I will never believe any of it. But one negative word about me and im all over it, I’ll amplify it, ponder on it. That is what I will always remember. The negatives stays with me, the positive is seen as lies.
Then after all that I feel guilt. Guilt for ignoring everyone, for isolating myself and refusing help when it’s offered. Pure guilt for just feeling this way.
This is just a small glimpse of what depression is like. Its diffcutl to explain something when I don’t even understand it myself. Its frustrating when I try to tell people and they don’t even try to understand.
People who have never been through it will never understand. They cannot possibly comprehend the way our mind thinks. They think we are just sad.
I just want you to understand.
I need you to try.