Recent circumstances have made me wonder: would being in love give me greater purpose?
In these last four years I have only experienced slight crush’s on people. Nothing substantial. Not enough to give me reason to act upon it. I have been numb. Unwilling and not wanting anything more. I have been content with being alone, I have built myself up, I am comfortable in my solitude. I am whole alone.
But for the first time I think I might be capable of more.
Since quitting my job a year and a half ago I have been searching for meaning. Looking for an answer. Working on my mental health, focussing on me.
I got lost and forgot to look at the people around me.
Was so anti love that I forgot all the positives that come with that feeling.
If I was in love would I have meaning? If someone loved me would I feel valued?
Would caring that much about another make me feel more alive?
Im still looking for answers. I’ve had plenty of time to think, to heal, to let go. I’ve embraced so many fears and done things I never thought I would be capable of. Tackled anxiety head on and won.
Do more scary thing and the less scary they will become.
Go on lots of dates and the less scary they will become… ha okay I got a little ahead of myself there.
I’m almost happy now. But there is something missing, a void, a sense of longing, of needing the touch of another. The warmth of their flesh, the sound of their breathing. The comfort of their presence. Company is missing.
I thought that getting my own dog was the answer, and for a while it worked. Dogs have unconditional love. But its not the same as humans. I crave the intimacy. I’ve tasted what its like to be in another’s company after so long, and I’ve discovered its so not so bad. Yes I have felt the hurt of losing them again. But it was worth it all just to realise I might be capable of being more.
For years I have been cold, empty, neglecting any signs of affection from anyone. Hating the idea of love, dating, feelings of that kind. But for now I can be content knowing that I am less afraid of the pain that might follow.
Every risk is worth taking if it scares you.
Follow your instincts, the times I hadn’t I wish I had.
Say what you mean and let it all out if its ending. Go out with no regrets, no unanswered questions.
Its okay that everyone else has moved on and you haven’t.
Be single, embrace the freedom.
Learn your boundaries and take what you want.
Know that quitting does not make you a quitter. Sometimes the right thing to do is to walk away before it gets worse.
I don’t think you’d read this, though a part of me believes that you might. You must know how grateful I am, for making me aware of these thoughts, feelings. Though I had remain ignorant throughout most of it, I know now I was wrong to think I could have gone through this circumstance with anyone.
No one knows what the future holds. But for now at least, I can attempt a life in colour.