I’ll step aside; your happiness means more than mine

After all this time of being on my own of saying I’m only thinking of myself I will be selfish. I have been lying to myself. You see it’s come to my attention that I will always step aside when it comes to somone else’s happiness.
Perhaps that is why I believe I am never the first choice. I won’t confront you about it. I’ll be cryptic. Slight hints and nothing more.
I’ll find out that you’re talking to somone else, meeting up with them. So I’ll take a step back. You’re not doing that with me. That must be why there’s less messaging now. I am clearly not the one you want. So instead of telling you, of speaking about whatever thoughts of feelings I may have, I’ll step aside.
Perhaps we could be happy. But if that was an option you wouldn’t be doing this with another. So it’s not an option in my mind.
I’d rather save myself from the embarrassment of rejection. The possible hurt I might feel from having those fears voiced.
Don’t worry. I’ve worked it out for myself.
Perhaps I know what I want now. To begin a commitment. Feel the safety from being with somone who truly cares.
Letting somone care that much is a very different situation.
I’m so adamant that everyone will reject me that I’m almost certain I’ll never make the first move. I’m too insecure to risk it. Spent all that time working on myself on being confident , but I still can’t be forward and openly honest.
If you want me you have to tell me. Or I’ll let you slip away.
Thats not the right attitude I know. But you have to try to understand how terrified I am. To be hurt is to lose myself.
I cannot lose myself again. I cannot give my entire being to another.
So many times I have wished I had the confidence to suggest more. So many times I have let guys slip straight through because I never gave them the right signs.
Truthfully I have no idea how to flirt.
I know I should put myself out there but I don’t know how.
I’ve done some out there things but not because of romance.
Basically, just know that I have your best interests at heart. And that doesn’t involve me. Even if I’ve been lying to myself for months. Or a year.
Sometimes it takes a bit of pain to realise what you’ve lost.
So once again I’m stepping aside.
I’ll disappear for a bit because I have to.
Your happiness is more important than mine.

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