Reckless Behaviour

I’m going to talk about sex… in a minute.
There are many reasons as to why i behave recklessly, on occasion.
You think, ‘ how can you do that when you say you have anxiety.’
‘you’re not that type of person, you’d never do that.’
To which I say, stop underestimating me and fuck you for not understanding.
So what have I done that is so reckless?
If for some strange reason you are family reading this I must ask you to stop reading immediately. I mean it. Stop. Get off this.now……
Still there?

Go away now….

For the best intentions of both of us.

But before that I’ll mention the lesser things. Things like getting on a train to London by myself spontaneously. Like going for late night drives.
Like going to the zoo alone.
Like walking at night.
Like talking to strangers online.
Like meeting up with strangers.
Getting in their car.
Going to their home.
Having sex with strangers.
I’d like to state now that my grand total of sexual partners is a mere total of 6 people. No slut shaming folks.
5 of those do not involve a relationship.
Get ma drift?
Why do it ?
Let’s use something easier to explain.
Why do people go on rollarcoasters ? To feel the rush of adrenaline. The excitment. Go into the unknown.
So you que up for a bit, that bit is the (s)texting. You’re wairing and the anticipation is there , you’re so eager to get on and experience that ride.
You sit down in your seat get strapped in. Safety is very important. Always be safe when you get on a ride.
And then away you go. You forget about everything else. You’re in the moment. Everything is exciting and scary and who knows what’s gonna happen which way you’ll spin or drop. It’s fun. Feel the adrenaline.
Why do still go on the rollarcoasters after it’s broken down? We, subconsciously, love that feeling of danger. The adrenaline is even greater.
Now add fear and lust into the equation and you get the ultimate adrenaline rush.
Also it feels pretty damn good to know that I’m wanted and attractive to someone.
It’s exhilarating. Though bear in mind you might get mediocre sex.
Cause you know there are some shitty rollarcoasters out there that aren’t worth a second ride.
You’ll kick yourself for giving it a second go.
Even if it is shit I’ll keep going. In that moment I don’t actually care about anything. Being wanted is enough. It’s a’ll I need.
You can’t get off a ride once it’s started. Have to see it through.
That’s actually a lie. There are many things I need in that type of moment . What I’m trying to say is that I’m looking for the attention be it good or bad. I crave it.
Lust is a powerful thing.
So even if it was terrible for me. I won’t confront you about it unless you ask. In a way I still succeeded in getting at least some of what I want.
I’m not gonna leave a bad review on TripAdvisor just because of that one ride.
If it’s good I’ll go back for more. I’ll get comfortable. I’ll do almost anything no matter how dirty.
Think what you will of that. I’ll expand no further.
Doesn’t everyone have a favourite rollercoaster they’ll never get bored of? That you’ll go on time and time again because it’s fucking good.
It feels much easier to meet up with guys for sex. They’re using me like I’m using them. Rather than to go on an actual date where there’s small talk and awkward silences.
The using is mutual you see.
I’m abusing myself by letting them abuse me.
I’m putting myself at risk.
Driving to obscure places to their homes.
They could’ve hurt me, trapped me. Killed me.
They didn’t.
But I’m ok with all of that.
I’m trying to live to not be afraid.
I am not afraid.
This is a form of self harm, of self hatred.
I hate myself so I do this to feel better. But I don’t always feel better afterwards. Sometimes I felt stupid, more used than I should’ve been, just a hole to bang.
Sometimes I’ve felt amazing.
It can be the best thing. Or it could be the worst.
There’s no knowing.
I love the unknown, that fear, that danger and that rush of adrenaline.
I’d ride a new rollercoaster everyday if I could.

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