Ghost

I have always taken time to come out of my shell. Never the outgoing one. Not the one to air my opinions or voice a feeling.
This is my downfall.
Sending tiny hints that no one will guess. Keep it all to myself. Never admitting when I need help.
Locking up my heart so tight it can’t barely beat.
Building up the brick walls higher and higher.
Looking for ways to feel something. Anything other than hurt.
Never admitting or letting myself open up to feel.
Never enough to pursue it.
Take down one brick to let the sunshine in. Remember how good it felt to be loved, wanted, needed.
Take down another brick so I can see clearly.
I saw him.
Squash those feelings because it’ll never work. Go back to feeling numb. Put the bricks back.
Take them down again. Look for friendship. Open my eyes to what’s already there. What was always there but I never let myself see.
Be cryptic about it.
Be shy about it.
Inside I’m screaming yes I want to do this. Yes I want to see how it could work.
Outside my face is pressed up against that brick wall. Wondering if I broke it down you’d see.
But I can’t pit myself in the position with potential hurt.
I know I can’t live this way forever. Eventually I’ll have to let somone in.
But no one sticks around.
No one has patience for me.
He didn’t see me.
I can’t blame him or anyone.
There’s only me. Waiting.
There’ll never be a good time.
You have to grab life by the balls and run with it.
I don’t know how to do that.
Trust issues. Awkward convastions. Silent moments. Insecurities. The fear of letting go. The paranoia that when you look at me you are repulsed by what you see.
When I look at me I am repulsed by what I see.
How could you want this.
So I don’t blame anyone for not noticing me or how I am. I hide things well.
Too well. So well that I just disappear from your rador. I’m just a ghost.
Somone else always comes along and I am always too late.
It’s okay you’re better off without me.
Slip away back behind my walls. That’ll teach me for thinking about opening up.
Can’t wear my heart on my sleeve.
It’s like I’m dead but still watching everyone.
You remember me. Almost. But I’ll soon fade away.
The ghost of me can’t haunt the ones that never cared.

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