Does Love Give Us Purpose?


Recent circumstances have made me wonder: would being in love give me greater purpose?

In these last four years I have only experienced slight crush’s on people. Nothing substantial. Not enough to give me reason to act upon it. I have been numb. Unwilling and not wanting anything more. I have been content with being alone, I have built myself up, I am comfortable in my solitude. I am whole alone.

But for the first time I think I might be capable of more.

Since quitting my job a year and a half ago I have been searching for meaning. Looking for an answer. Working on my mental health, focussing on me.

I got lost and forgot to look at the people around me.

Was so anti love that I forgot all the positives that come with that feeling.

If I was in love would I have meaning? If someone loved me would I feel valued?

Would caring that much about another make me feel more alive?

Im still looking for answers. I’ve had plenty of time to think, to heal, to let go. I’ve embraced so many fears and done things I never thought I would be capable of. Tackled anxiety head on and won.

Do more scary thing and the less scary they will become.

Go on lots of dates and the less scary they will become… ha okay I got a little ahead of myself there.

I’m almost happy now. But there is something missing, a void, a sense of longing, of needing the touch of another. The warmth of their flesh, the sound of their breathing. The comfort of their presence. Company is missing.

I thought that getting my own dog was the answer, and for a while it worked. Dogs have unconditional love. But its not the same as humans. I crave the intimacy. I’ve tasted what its like to be in another’s company after so long, and I’ve discovered its so not so bad. Yes I have felt the hurt of losing them again. But it was worth it all just to realise I might be capable of being more.

For years I have been cold, empty, neglecting any signs of affection from anyone. Hating the idea of love, dating, feelings of that kind. But for now I can be content knowing that I am less afraid of the pain that might follow.

Every risk is worth taking if it scares you.

Follow your instincts, the times I hadn’t I wish I had.

Say what you mean and let it all out if its ending. Go out with no regrets, no unanswered questions.
Its okay that everyone else has moved on and you haven’t.

Be single, embrace the freedom.

Learn your boundaries and take what you want.

Know that quitting does not make you a quitter. Sometimes the right thing to do is to walk away before it gets worse.

I don’t think you’d read this, though a part of me believes that you might. You must know how grateful I am, for making me aware of these thoughts, feelings. Though I had remain ignorant throughout most of it, I know now I was wrong to think I could have gone through this circumstance with anyone.

No one knows what the future holds. But for now at least, I can attempt a life in colour.

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Some lonely ramblings

There is harmony in isolation
Sadness in a crowd.
A strange exhilaration,
When alone and feeling down.
I get high just being lonely
In this new familiar place.
addicted to the memory
Of a warm welcoming face.
All it takes is the scent

Of fresh spring in the air,

To send me back
To being a child in your arms.
I wont pine over missing your voice
Or the way you scolded me.
This memory is enough,
Of you and me.

I am peaceful, tranquil.
At home when alone
My soul is whole
My heart is warm
I do not feel so alone.
I am one person and complete
Here I find my feet,
In a woodland from a past
Full bloom lust like before.

I’ll state the obvious when my mind is blank.
I struggle to write anything
Even this feels like a chore.
Im sat in a wood just the bluebells start to bloom
But this does not inspire words. Places like this used to encourage me
Now I feel almost nothing.
Its beautiful.
At least I can say that
The wood is a cliché, a carpet of green, white and blue. I have no original thoughts,
My mind is lost in that sense

I’ve lost the passion
It used to thrive inside me.
Time has wasted away the joys of what I used to love.
Now I struggle to even
Produce a single decent word on this page.
You have ruined me.
I used to thrive on beaches,
In places of solitude.
Now each attempt leave me
More frustrated than the last.
I am too deep of a thinker,
Too much of a perfectionist.
I shall never be good enough
For me.

Flashing lights, dark clouds, grey sea.
These are the visions before me.
Graceful waves, a slow breeze
These are the noises that guide me.
Memories destroy me.
Passionate embraces, rushed kisses.
A kindling romance that would betray me.
False securities in the night
Late night talk
And fears that would surpass me.

What Depression Feels Like

To most people the word depression conjures up just one single word, sadness. They believe that there is always a reason for this sadness. That there must be a reason. How could you feel sad when there’s nothing in particular to upset you?

But it isn’t just sadness, and there is rarely a solid reason for it.

Truthfully I have found that the majority of my depression consists of a serious lack of motivation to do anything and a paralysing numb feeling. I am so wound up in my own little bubble that the outside world no longer means anything to me. I couldn’t care less, about anything or anyone. I become selfish, wanting only to do things that will benefit myself. Only talking when I deem it worthwhile. I isolate myself so I don’t have to deal with anyone else problems. Because you see I simply cannot deal with my own.

Most of the time I feel nothing. Not sadness, not hurt or pain. Just nothing. I’ll fake smiles and laughter, I’ll put on a show, pretend to be happy. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy.

On my worst days it is almost impossible to do anything at all. I am hopeless, lost in myself. I sit and mooch around all day then I feel even worse because I’ve done nothing. But I can’t do anything because what’s the point? I won’t achieve anything I won’t get anything out of it. But I need to do something to distract me from these thoughts. My inner conflict is a constant battle between I can’t do anything and I need to do something. Most of the time cant wins.

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Right now, in the present day, I do not have a solid justifiable reason to be depressed. It’s worse now because I don’t understand why it’s with me. For so long I thought that it was just the way I am. This is my personality. But going through these up and down phases isn’t the way personality works. Weeks of numbness isn’t part of me, it only follows me.

With this depression comes an intense self-loathing. I despise myself. I am disgusting, a horrible insecure mess of a person. No wonder I am so alone, I deserve to be alone. No matter how many compliments I might get, I will never believe any of it. But one negative word about me and im all over it, I’ll amplify it, ponder on it. That is what I will always remember. The negatives stays with me, the positive is seen as lies.

Then after all that I feel guilt. Guilt for ignoring everyone, for isolating myself and refusing help when it’s offered. Pure guilt for just feeling this way.

This is just a small glimpse of what depression is like. Its diffcutl to explain something when I don’t even understand it myself. Its frustrating when I try to tell people and they don’t even try to understand.

People who have never been through it will never understand. They cannot possibly comprehend the way our mind thinks. They think we are just sad.

I just want you to understand.

I need you to try.

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The Meaning Behind My Tattoo

Today (Tuesday 20th March) I seriously conquered the shit out of my anxiety. I pushed through even though every ounce of me told me to run, to cancel, stop before you break yourself. But I kept going despite the panic that was over taking me.

I was physically shaking.

This is something I’ve wanted to do for years. My determination won.

Today I got my first tattoo.

Bluebells. Why the bluebells?

If you’ve read my post about why I hate December than you already know that ten years ago I lost my nan to cancer a week before Christmas.

What does this have to do with that flower?

My youngest memory with my nan is this:
We’re walking through a woodland, not sure where, a blanket of bluebells covers the ground. The spring air is chilly, I must be about five years old. I’m carrying a wicker basket and nan is picking bluebells.
A few years ago I found the photograph, my uncle always had a camera on him. On the back of the picture is my nans writing; Singledge lane wood ’98.

I don’t know why I remember that moment so well. But ever since I found that picture I’ve wanted to carry that memory with me always. I will never forget this. The essence of my nan is here with me and her memory will age with me.

Living with anxiety and depression

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I have lived with anxiety and depression my entire life. For as long as I can remember I have been this way.

I am sad or numb for days, weeks, months at a time. I have no reason to be upset. No one has died, no one is sick; I have friends and family that care. But when that darkness grips me I cannot release it.

No motivations for anything, can’t read, can’t write, can’t watch anything. It’s over sleeping and never wanting to wake up because sleeping is like being dead but without the commitment.

I’ll become quiet among friends. I’ll make excuses not to see them, won’t contact the outside word. Remain in a persona bubble.

If I am alone, no one can hurt me. There will be no bad news, no arguments, no drama.

That feeling comes in phases. I’ll be content for ages, happy almost, but it always returns.

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The anxious panicking is present almost every day.

The most common way to describe it is this: that feeling when you miss a step walking down the stairs, for a moment you think you’re going to fall and break a leg. Now remember that that feeling, intensify it and make it a constant feeling. That my friend is what anxiety feels like.

It’s over planning so you don’t do something wrong. It’s holding on to your rubbish in class so you don’t have to walk over to the bin in front of everyone in case you trip. It’s not inviting friends round because you don’t think they like your house or you. It’s never messaging first because you feel like you’re bothering them. Never answering the phone in case its bad news. Avoiding one on one situations and busy places. The constant worry that something bad will happen if you leave the house. The inability to do things last minute because your busy doing nothing. Nothing is safe. Nothing will go wrong; it won’t be my fault if it’s nothing.

So why am I diagnosed with this? Surely if this is how I’ve always been than this is just the way I am. It’s part of my personality. This is who I am.

Wrong.

It is not ‘normal’ to be afraid to answer the phone. It is not ‘normal’ to feel uncomfortable in the company of others who are not like minded as myself. It is not ‘normal’ to feel that the people laughing across the street are in fact laughing at me.

Because answering the phone doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad news, I’m not going to get hurt by talking on it. There is no need to feel as if I am being judged by others or that I do not fit in. I do not need to fit in everywhere; I do not need another’s approval. The people laughing are doing so because they said something funny, not because they were looking at me.

The thing is I fully know that my anxious and insecure ways are totally irrational. My fears should not control me. But they do.

I have no reason, no logic, no traumatic childhood experience to trigger these fears.

It’s all chemical reactions, an imbalance in hormones combined with a negative outlook on life.

Change the way you think. Stop being in denial. This is not normal. This is not a healthy way of life.

Not a Suicide Note

These are the thoughts of someone close to the edges one summers night.

I thought that this would turn into a suicide note. But it’s not and it won’t be. There’s just no one I want to directly tell. Better off alone. I can’t get hurt, or hurt anyone else if I am alone. Only strangers can get me here. But there are houses behind me, a beach and sea in front of me. Its public enough for me not to be afraid. Quiet enough to feel alone.

This is where I want to stay. Staring at the sea, for a moment things seem peaceful. I can forgot everything here. Quiet places are where I want to be, away from everything, another world. This is how I want to be. I’d be happier, no more anger.

But I can’t stay here forever.

I want to know how to change my mood. How can I flip a switch and go back to being happy. How do I do that when everything scares me? I get nervous just meeting up with friends. How do I calm myself and let go of the fear? All I see is how different I am to everyone else. I’m too independent but too scared to drift too far alone.

I want to run away. I don’t know where I’d go. I only want to get away for a while. I’d come back eventually. Just need to disappear for a bit. Don’t want to tell anyone but don’t want them to worry. Why would they worry? Who would care?

If it wasn’t so cold the sea would look inviting. Id disappear under its waves.

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I used to write every day. Now I struggle to remember the last time I wrote anything. I never write anymore. I lost my passion, my hobby.

I’m just a wonderer, looking for something more. I want it all, I want to live. Give me a life worth living or let me pass.

Put me in a coma so I don’t have to deal with it. So I forget how dull my life is. Too many tragic moments mixed with brief moments of joy.im tired of my routine.

Escaping is the only way out sometimes. Can’t breathe. Suffocated everywhere I go. The smallest things annoy me.

I am still looking at the sea and all I can think of is how I could jump into it and not come back up again.

Getting rid of my pain won’t work. That pain will only pass on to others. To those who may be hurt by my loss. I cannot be selfish like that. I’d never do it, but I always think about it.

Not happy, not sad. I feel barely anything. I’ll quit before I fail, I’ll fail before I get rejected. Rejections is the worst, I refuse to let myself feel that again.

These were the thoughts of someone close to the edge one summers night.

Focus On The Positives

Lately i have been struggling to find a positive outlook on life. Nothing ever seems to go my way, i am not in control, i do not have enough of what I want.
But this is general feeling, and the more negative people I surround myself with, the more i find myself slipping into the darkness. Its difficult to focus on anything good when those around you at home speak nothing but of negativity.
Then i remember something my counsellor said to me. Take each day one step at a time, take each activity one step at a time. Find the small achievements and be positives about those.
Today, so far, has been a pretty positive day. I have achieved more than on a normal day.
Firstly, i got up. This is in fact a very big deal for me, getting out of bed is literally one of the hardest parts of the day. I want to sleep, I like it. Sleeping is like being dead without the commitment, i dont have to do anything, my dreams are better than my reality. Perhaps I’ll go more in depth with that another time.
Now not only did I get up, but I got up BEFORE 10AM. Holy shit someone give me a medal. Normal get up time (especially when I work evenings) is from 11am onwards. Or if no one is home during the day, I’ll just linger in bed until 1pm or later. Then I feel guilty for wasting a day and need to stay up late to do stuff which means I’ll wake up late again the next because I’ll be tired. See its an endless cycle.
Next achievement: I went straight downstairs and had breakfast. Damn, need another medal for that. Breakfast never happens, I hate eating after I’ve just woken up.
Let the dogs outside (not such a big achievement, I just don’t want them shitting on the floor) and gave them food as usual.
Then I put on make up and got dressed straight away!
Now there was a reason for my productivity today and I’ll get to that shortly.
This next achievement really shocked me, and for those that know me well, it will probably shock you too.
I walked into town.
Shut the fuck up and give me a trophy, no actually I want a crown. Bedazzled in rhinestones.
Since getting a car I’ve become incredibly lazy, why walk anyway when you can drive and do it so much quicker?
But i looked outside and saw blue skies and the smell of spring in the air. I was determined to walk, its only a fifteen minute walk anyway.
So headphones in, off i went wearing my metaphorical crown feeling pretty good for once.
First thing on my list was to go into the jewellers to get some items valued. But of cause the manager wasn’t there to do it. So that made a chip in my good feeling.
Next, went into savers brought some things, medal for me for doing shopping in the town and not driving off to Tesco or B&M.
Then i did a super scary thing and was only a little bit nervous about it. I’ll explain more about what that was after its happened. But all you need to know is that I’ve been thinking long and hard about doing this for years and I finally plucked up some courage and booked the appointment. Stayed tuned for after 20th March to find out more.
You know what? Crown me the fucking queen because i am a boss today.
And there’s more!
I walked home and then walked the dog! I didn’t even sit down, just grabbed the lead and off we went.
Wow this all sounds exhausting.
Normally by now I would feel drained. Too much outdoors, too much people, too much interaction.
But I’m going to see a friend this evening and I’m really looking forward to it. I will not cancel because I feel great.
And that is why today is an achievement. All those positives I’ve done all by myself.
Okay, so I may have planned excessively, what I was going to do and in what order from the moment i woke up, but i went through with all of it. I am so impressed and proud of me.
I’ve just proved to myself that I can be motivated, I can go out and do things, I can be better.
That is my day of positivity.