Therapy is expensive and I am broke. It’ll probably take weeks through the NHS to get anywhere so for right now I am unpacking my mentally traumatized ass here. I’m going on a fucking adventure. Journey of self-discovery. Starting with self-sabotaging.
I am my own worst enemy.
I hate myself. Which is something I need to unpack separately to this.
So what does self-sabotaging actually mean?
In a nutshell, it’s when someone will undermine themselves, their work, their relationships in order to hinder their success and create failure. Seems dumb right? Why would anyone want themselves to fail?
I’ve been asking myself this for years. Put it down to depression not allowing me to enjoy life for long. It’s not just a depression thing. Everything I am unpacking this week is not just a depression thing. Or an anxiety thing. I’ll get to that later this week. Or next week.
Anyway, I am always on self-destruct mode. I believe the worst of myself. I am capable of terrible things, of using my words as weapons, of combusting altogether. Like a cliché ticking bloody time bomb. I’m overly sensitive- I don’t like to admit it- but it takes very little to set me off into destructive mode. I’ll push everyone away at the smallest inconvenience. I’ll believe you hate me for cancelling plans. In fact I’ll know that I deserve your hatred. Not worthy of your friendship. So I won’t message you. Radio silent. MIA. Like my subconscious is trying to test how long you’ll go without messaging me first again. Toxic bitch. I’m self-aware which makes it worse.
Self-sabotaging also looks like this: rejecting praise and compliments, not asking for help, pushing people away when they start to get close, opening up and attaching to others prematurely, procrastinating on important projects, putting everyone else’s needs before your own, constantly criticizing yourself, isolating when you are hurting.
Do I relate to all of the above? Fuck yeah. I am appointing my super self-aware alter ego self-appointed therapist to unpack this. Let’s go.
Rejecting praise and compliments: I want to say that it’s an anxiety thing diverting any positive outlook someone might have on me to somewhere else. I want to say that I can’t accept it because I don’t believe it when they tell me. That the reason I struggle and completely shut down when someone compliments me is because I link those things with hurt. Especially if it’s coming from a guy. That I am so terrified that if I was to somehow accept being called beautiful that it would lead to an unattainable unrealistic attachment which inevitability will lead to pain. Maybe all of that is true. For arguments sake let’s say it is but add on this: I won’t accept it because I am not worthy of it. Try that again. I don’t believe I am worthy. Don’t want to believe I deserve it. What I do deserve is your unforgiving hatred and criticism. In fact, I probably already know and highly agree with every negative comment you could make on me. I would rather damage myself by rejecting your high praise and dwell in the negativity I am so familiar with.
But if you stop praising me and giving me compliments that I do not want or think I am worthy of I will 100% take that as a form of rejection and be triggered by it. Unpack that in a separate post.
Not asking for help: if I ask for help, I am a burden. I bother you. Or you don’t understand. So why not just wallow in my own self-pity? If I choose not to ask for help, then I won’t be disappointed when no one can give me the advice I need or when no one is available to listen. I am not worthy, nor do I deserve anyone’s help.
Pushing people away when they start to get close: it’s fear. Shit scared of feeling hurt, damaged, so if I push you away it’s likely because you’re capable of hurting me. Then I end up hurting myself by doing so and it goes round and round in a vicious circle like that because I never learn my lesson. I don’t remember letting people in much as a child or discussing those type of feelings. Maybe unpack some childhood stuff in a separate post. Not worthy of your trust or affection or attention. Even though I crave it. I actually desire intimacy but it’s a big fear that I just can’t allow it. So I’ll push you away. Then beg you to stay when the risk of losing it all becomes far too real and I look like a complete and utter psycho for being so misleading and confusing and just downright stupid that you walk away.
Opening up and attaching to others prematurely: this one I don’t do so much anymore. We can unpack my teenage self a little bit here. I do remember feeling incredibly lost and down and obsessed with dying from the age of thirteen. I didn’t know or understand what depression was so naturally looked for help from friends. Who perhaps were equally uneducated in the matter as I was but also generally just terrible people. When I fussed and overshared on how I was miserable and crying every day and wanting to stop breathing, they told me I was silly. To cheer up. You’ll get over it. It’s just a phase. Other people have it worse than you. Get over it, people die. They were old. It’s just a dog, it doesn’t matter. You’re too young to think of death try smiling. I don’t open up so much about that anymore. Unless I know you understand it. Feel the same way.
Procrastinating on important projects: let me tell you about how at the end of 2nd year of university we were supposed to meet with our dissertation mentors to discuss our plan for that big project. In June. Did I do this in June? No. I waited until November. By this point my mentor didn’t even know that she was supposed to be mentoring me. Anyway. Very good at procrastinating. But why? Punishing myself so I become more stressed. Putting time restraints on tasks that really need more time than I give.
Putting everyone else’s needs before your own: I’ve been told I need to be more selfish. But I think I am very selfish. So, let’s say a friend needs me. They’re having a rough time and need to talk. I’ll drop everything and drive to you, wherever you are. You need a friend to talk to about how heartbrokenly in love you are with this girl who has a boyfriend. I’ll be there for you, and I’ll never tell you that I like you. You want someone else. I won’t fight it, won’t vouch for myself. Walk away and leave you too it. Your happiness means more than mine. I don’t deserve happiness. I should be punished for not being honest. I should feel betrayed because that’s what I believe in. By not giving you the option means that I get what I want. To feel like I don’t matter. Because I don’t.
Constantly criticizing yourself: well, I’m a piece of shit so what else did you expect? That whole therapist thing lasted well didn’t it? Now I’m just bashing myself. Oh well. I could say that I criticize myself because I was never complimented enough as a child. True. That I have always been punished for my failures and can’t remember receiving any praise for my successes. True. Add on this past year of training to become a teacher where they literally observe you every lesson and give critics EVERY DAY. So now I’m super used to identifying where I fuck up. Thanks.
Isolating when you are hurting: after all that it’s obvious isn’t it? I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve friends, no one wants to hear me, I’m being unreasonable, and I know my thoughts are irrational so why would I bother you? If I’m alone no one else can hurt me. I can only hurt myself.
You can try to tell me differently. Try to reach out and help. I can’t accept it. Won’t believe you’re genuine. It’s better for both you and I if I sabotage myself this way.
I took all the pain and trauma from my past and locked in a cadge. I put myself here. Locked up in this prison cell. I’m the only one who can let me out.
I am not good enough, for me.
Sins of the heart 