In keeping with my theme of attempting to process my emotions through logic and reasoning and I am once again writing this.
Hello again, it’s been a little while. Been a little preoccupied what with being a new teacher and all. There’s potentially another post in the making for that as its own subject.
So what has me in a wobble this time?
I’ll be honest first and tell you that in this present moment as I am writing this I am balling my eyes out, snort filled, anxiety driven, ugly crying. Real pretty. Like suffocate yourself with a pillow to muffle the screams cliché crying.
What am I thinking about right now to cause this?
How I’m tired of doing things on my own. I used to feel empowered by it. The freedom to go where I wanted without having to consider another person. To do things in my own time- be in my own head. A strong independent women. Fixated on the idea that in order to be that I had to do things alone. That it actually helped with anxiety when I succeeded on a plan I had made. That I proved to myself and everyone else that I could do it.
But now I feel lonely. A sense of loss like I should be experiencing things with friends. Making memories with someone else to share them with. To reminiscence on a day out. Just bloody share something that I and another living human enjoys.
I know that I isolate myself. Only child, used to being sent to my room to play alone. Making up imaginary stories in my head, playing them out for hours on end. Content with living in my mind palace. Not sharing any of it.
Adult life isn’t about being on your own. I’d love to live alone, don’t get me wrong, but I would want to invite friends round for dinner and film nights. Just hang out when you’ve got nothing to do, walk the dog together. Stupid mundane things, but all the things that require other people to make memorable.
What triggered this?
It’s half term. I’ve had practically no plans. Saw a couple of people last night for like two hours. That’s it. All the socialising and people from outside my household I’ve talked to. It’s not for the want of trying. Here’s where I’ll become a petty self pitying whiny little bitch. I’ve reached out multiple times to friends. Asking to go to certain places or to just hang out. I cant do any over nights because of the shit load of marking I have. But I have days or evenings. Everyone was already busy. Everyone has a life. Everyone has chosen not to invite me. Told you I’d be petty. Oh woe is me, how awful it must be. Hate myself for it. For feeling any form of rejection so fucking deeply (see some previous posts for more on that). Then proceeding to blame myself for the isolation or for the plain fact that maybe people don’t actually like me at all. Maybe they’re not really busy and just making it up so they don’t have to see me. Choosing to avoid my presence so eventually I’ll stop asking and messaging at all.
Secondly, booked myself a solo day out to London tomorrow. Was optimistic about it two days ago now I am just deeply regretting it all. For all the above reasons. I’ve had solo days out to London before and they were successful- had a generally great time. Entertain myself during the day then watch a musical in the evening. Which is my plan again. Only now I crave another human to share the experience. To not spend a whole day only uttering short words to retail workers, small talk with strangers. To not be in my own head all day long. I know where I’m going and what I’m doing there’s no issue over feeling panic over where to go. Just that feeling of loss. Of need to not be alone anymore.
I don’t want to reach out to people just to be rejected. Regardless of the circumstance. Give me an alternative. Compromise with me. Please.
I’ll drift away into the ghost of your memory. Some foreign thought might remind you of me. But I’ll still be alone; waiting for someone else. Anyone else.
Sins of the heart 